On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Thursday, 20 March 2008
Tuesday, 18 March 2008
Farting in Bed
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in
Thursday, 28 February 2008
Paisley Wakes From a Coma
Ian Paisley goes into a coma. After twenty years he regains consciousness. The first person he sets eyes on is Unionist Peter Robinson.
Paisley, desperate to find out how the situation in the north turned out grabs hold of Robinson and says "Peter, what have I missed over the last 20 years? Did we win, did we lose? You've gotta tell me"
Robinson replies "Well Ian, I've got some good news and some bad news. Do you want the good or the bad first?"
Paisley thinks about it for a minute and say "Gimme the bad news first"
Robinson: "Well the bad news is that Gerry Adams is the new president of the United Ireland"
Paisley is shocked but enquires further "So what's the good news then?"
Robinson: "Rangers are beating Celtic in the cup final" Paisley is delighted by this and asks "What score is it?"
Robinson: "3-14 to 1-11"
Paisley, desperate to find out how the situation in the north turned out grabs hold of Robinson and says "Peter, what have I missed over the last 20 years? Did we win, did we lose? You've gotta tell me"
Robinson replies "Well Ian, I've got some good news and some bad news. Do you want the good or the bad first?"
Paisley thinks about it for a minute and say "Gimme the bad news first"
Robinson: "Well the bad news is that Gerry Adams is the new president of the United Ireland"
Paisley is shocked but enquires further "So what's the good news then?"
Robinson: "Rangers are beating Celtic in the cup final" Paisley is delighted by this and asks "What score is it?"
Robinson: "3-14 to 1-11"
Death
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
- God replied: "I didn't fookin recognize you."
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
- God replied: "I didn't fookin recognize you."
Monday, 11 February 2008
Jockey Trouble
A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs)to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry(Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,andbegan hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.”
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,andbegan hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.”
Saturday, 9 February 2008
Why the Jews were the chosen people
God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your
lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'A
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested.'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, [/font]
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments.'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'
There, that should offend just about everybody.
'I have Commandments for you that will make your
lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'A
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested.'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, [/font]
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments.'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'
There, that should offend just about everybody.
Wednesday, 6 February 2008
Blind Girl
A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."To which the mother replied, "April fool!"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."To which the mother replied, "April fool!"
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